metamorphosis

today i had a good chat with suleen..hehe..my mentor. (aiya, treat her as one lah) and i guess from then onwards i had found my new perspective of life.

now the time is about 2 am plus and i do feel tired but i think that the statement that i will be writing later will affect my life. so important, because life is a continuous search for reasons and persuasions.

first of all, being here in nus has been changing my life totally. my lifestyle, my personality and my attitudes, all being tumble and jumble into a messy puzzle. the change is needed, i wouldnt say it is bad, but in a way that it affects how i grow, mentality, yeah. for time changes, surrounding changes and life needs evolution. but i do find the dark side of me engulfing me in whole, thus there is this wicked me that is here. i HATE this, yes i certainly hate this! i want my virtues back!

this is how i told suleen what i am lack of now. 'the burning sensation, the fuel to keeps me going on" not bad hur, kind of profound. the fact is, i need a belief system. its just like religion. we need something in life to keep us moving. it is the passion, it is the motivation, it is the enthusiasm. you can call it whatever x-y-z factor. i urge myself to find it, just like how i went through with in my high school years.

but you see, going around and around without problem solving just makes life complicated. but now i know this kind word of 'resolution' is good enough to push me foward. ' resolutions, not evolutions.' says my tutor. and well, what she said actually striked me so well that i got that blow in my mind. i learnt that there wont be a perfect adaptation after all. as everything still goes on and on. so i need to stay in focus and find the belief system when i am still working on other things. ( time and tide wait for no man) yes, i will never know what lies beyond me. and yet i might be wrong in some ways, though. but this is life. this is the real life and the fun of it. the truth of life is that it might be a forever adventure. but if i do believe that i will make it one day, so lets make this feasible. and thus let me go on with this search. i believe so. and may u who read this will.

so this is how i decided to change, maybe gradually, but consistently in re-building my belief system. i was so naive in the past, for arrogantly thinking that my belief syste came from myself. yet this is not true now, i found. family and friends play a big role in constructing the belief system and i am very proud that they are really firm foundation which holds the system so well.( even it is not built yet)