L.O.S.T

it is 5.43 am. i had just showered. tired~i think it is due to post-rag exhaustion. tomorrow is the start of a new semester. and i think that it is a time for change.
being in rag had given me a time to face my true self. i think rag could be a minified experience of what i had done in the past year ever since i was in university. personally, i think that this is a very good time for reflections.
last year wasnt a good year. well, it is very difficult to compare the better or the worse, for every year has its own ups and downs. yet i felt that as a freshman year it was experimental, in all ways, i suggest. academically, i was really doing bad. architecture was fun, yet i had difficulties in designing. i wonder if this comes by instinct. for i found myself being weak in this learning process. if ever i asked myself if i would enjoy this, i would surely say 'YES!' during the term of exploration. now this had diedED and so are my strengths that had accompanied me to go through this. lets stop lamming about architecture and turn to the non-academical activities.
being in hall. yes, on-going activities. i will say that i am more attached to my hall rather than to the university. NUS? 100-years-old? forget it! i wont be as excited as the administratives. yet i am not as involved in hall as i thought i should be. where is the Jia Mei yearning for a vibrant university life? looking foward to joining all kinds of activities? AIESEC? ExxonMobil? rock climbing? kick-boxing? duhhhhh~ none of these walk through my calender. and hall activities? well, one sets sub comm had dried me off faster than the drought. i could hardly know why. WHY-WHY-WHY? where are my virtues that once pulled me through? where are my mentality that was striving hard? where are my stamina that withstand all the hardships?
i wonder.
people say that i am blurred. yes, i admit it. i cant explain to myself what had gone wrong. i cant explain to anyone what i were before. there are misunderstandings, there are different perceptions. some how i think they could be true. i am changed, yet into some kind of creature which myself unknown.
i wonder.
until now just a few hours ago my design was failed. but not as bad as last semester. i know i did not go through explorations nor any developements. sorry, i whisper. to myself? i wonder. it is just like any butterfly going through metamorphosis. but i am unsure what i am going through now. the memories of the past still so fresh and vivid. i know nothing about present, nor future. they lie in my hands, true. and i understand. but i have no sense of directions.
i could say no more. answers could be somewhere. here there everywhere.but i am lost.
truly lost.
(re-edited on 11 august)