Friday, June 15, 2007
hi all, how are you, may you all are fine.
it takes me some time to have the courage to tell you all that i am fine, i am okay, and well, it may sound as if i have make a big fuss out of myself and maybe at the end of this post you will feel that too. but i do consider that i am in the liminal state.
and i would want to say out loud THANK YOU to sisi dear, that you have helped me and be my listener for so long that even i failed now i have the courage within me. and so sorry that i have been partly you burden as you have yours too. and i dare not take your precious time to just only doing me the favour. and if not you i would not be able to see things more positive. although it is just a small little thing..
and well, for you all , to be able to tell any of you that i had failed my year 3 and have to repeat it is like a nightmare to me. as it is not just the academic part that counts. i wanna say that i feel fear in me, so deep inside me that it has embedded within my own mentality. i know very clearly that it is not technical stuff that failed me, it is not the AR3233 architecture construction and AR 3102 Design that i failed, but it is myself- my mentality that has failed. i wanna say that going through the process of knowing that you are failing is painful -- but at the point that you failed, you would feel relieve -- that it finally has come. and may i say that to know that i failed for year 3 is relief - that i admit that i am a failure for the year 3 and to admit that i am incompetent and unable to compete with the rest of my good friends.
the greatest fear -- is to know that you fear to fail -- and the biggest gain -- will be to accept yourself after the failure. this is like a lesson for life -- and it will definitely be an important one to me.
and maybe it is wrong to say that to you all now - as you all are in the midst of cherrishing the best of your youthful years -- that i do not enjoy school. maybe so far - i can account a few times of wild laughter - but to go through architecture discourse is a painful one -- to admit my struggle -- i took so long to accept it - though i have thoughts or long to give up - but am i going to give up now when the path is lengthen - or shall i go on to weave through my struggle??
i do not neccessary know my dears, i do not- sorry sea ming i still cant figure out what is best for me - even you have helped me much - i still find blankness in the next few months. i may have too many dreams to hold, but vaguely any to realised i guess...
i guess to most of you what i am saying here is like a same old story i have been telling -- but i really cant figure out why i am still unable to get through. to tell you all the fact that i know myself well that i can inspect my emotions thoroughly and clear enough. but i just cant help myself to get out of the struggle that i identify. and always at times like this that i feel that i am a loser. a total loser. and even i tried to , i cant open up to my mother. and well.. may be the right time is now, when God closes a door for you, He opens another one for you.
i am working with a friend at a firm in singapore. i prefer working, another evidence why i dislike school more. he knows that i had failed, but i had never opens up to him. and whenever people ask us our year and our whereabouts next month, i feel that i am lying that i am going to year 4. -- and is this schooling thing so important that i see myself only nailed up in the academic system -- as though my whole life gonne be dependent on it?? or what is it about??-- i am sorry but i just cant let loose about this -- cos i really see my life in architecture -as a student and as a person -- but down dream shatters and paths become unclear -- i really dont know what to say..
and sorry sisi, that i really tried to be breave to embrace but oh i really dont, in fact. i laughed to cherry when i told her, i repeated it quietly when i told karo. but i ran away from my archi friends, dare not attend to their calls, dare not attend the discussions. one friend called me up saying that we are still being friends, another called me asking me how i was. i feel so rich then and so much more than any person on the street - that i have lost not friendship - and so much that they do not feel that i should give up - and it reminds me of you all -- people that have stand with me through thick and thin-- and i should tell you all about this -- about how i feel -- and why i only open up now - because i have let you all down.
i am really sorry - i really sorry -- i dont know if this is another fear -- and so much fears in life that io have to face and to beat them -- and to face the failure one after another -- and maybe it isnt so hard actually -- through these days i watched movies -- forrest gump, tina sheng yi dui, 200 pounds, and a lot more that trying to tell you meanings of things. but i know that i am still inconfident to move on. people in the firm telling me that i must treasure the time to study - i know - that to have education is precious- and when i am able to learn and to use that as a sill to help people - i know well enough - but to be in university - seems so hard.
its like acting more.. how to act through your life., to pretend that you have not done something, to pretend that you have not met some one, and to pretend that you are alright with something.
i know whats going wrong- but i dunno - that to beat it , what does it count?
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